Plan B is the new Plan A
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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