If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
