My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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