I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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