tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
