happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
