you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
