shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
