it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
