I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
