The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
