there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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