hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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