I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
