I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
