i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
