genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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