great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
