So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
