the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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