I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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