doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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