Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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