Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
