He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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