Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
