Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
