We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
