I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
