You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
