I wish I could punch you in the face.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
