shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
