biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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