I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
