New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
