Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
