The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
