Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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