You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
