just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
