I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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