party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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