he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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