you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
