i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
