Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
