Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i came on her dog
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
