i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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