so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
