new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
