my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
