Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
