Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
